Yearly Update - May 2016

So I guess this blog has dwindled down to only a yearly update of our lives. A Christmas card letter of sorts. I am fairly certain no one even reads this blog anymore since I rarely write anything, but today I felt like I needed the writing therapy, so here I am. Consider yourself warned.

I just finished standing in the kitchen with Adam, re-capping my day. Many tears were cried and I am so frustrated with myself and my lack of being able to pull myself together. I don't even know where to start here except to say that I am pretty sure I have PTSD and I am beginning to learn about what it feels like to have that PTSD triggered by events that may or may not have anything to do with you.

That feeling you feel when stand witness to a situation that is not involving you and its not about you, yet you all of a sudden feel like you can't control yourself and your emotions. You feel like you want to run or do something to help but all you can seem to do is start crying uncontrollably. You feel like an idiot because this is not about you, you are not the one in the situation, you are just a witness, yet you feel like you are in the middle of absolute chaos and you are frozen and scared. This is how I feel when I witness someone having a medical emergency that involves 911 being called.

I few months ago, God placed me in a situation at our preschool where I "just happened" to be in a parking lot as another mothers entire life came to a screeching halt when her 2 year old daughter began having a seizure in her car. I somehow ended up standing at the passenger door talking her through what was hands down the scariest moment of her life up to this point while we waited for the paramedics to arrive. Her daughter, strangely enough looked a lot like Henley did at 2 years old. Long beautiful blond hair, tiny petite body and just.... lifeless in that moment. It was almost more than I could handle being right there and watching it all unfold again in front of my eyes. I prayed over her and told her it was going to be okay and tried to help her make some rational decisions about her 11 month old who was also in the car at the time. I may have held it together in that moment, but the minute I got in my car, I could not stop crying. For HOURS. It was like I just could not control myself and the tears just would not stop. I knew that that mother would never be the same.

It happened again today. I was in a crowd of people. About 10,000 women actually at Pink Impact. My heart and mind were already raw from the messages that we had heard and then right on the floor in front of the section I was sitting in, an elderly woman began to have seizure or something similar. They quickly stopped the conference, people were yelling for someone to call 911 people were running around. Everyone started praying over the woman, Medical personnel were rushing around and it was a scene that was all too familiar for me. I just started crying. I immediately was taken back to the Cook's emergency room in October 2011 with Henley. I was right there all over again take Henley out of my arms, push me out of the way and then be pushed out the door to look on over the doctors surrounding my precious baby while I could do nothing but cry and collapse on the floor begging God for help. The were running in from different areas, putting oxygen on, putting IVs in, pushing drugs and trying to stabilize her body and document the events. I remember crying so much that day and then becoming numb to it all. I remember feeling like I was having an out of body experience in that moment. I remember the purple frog pajamas she was wearing and how she sounded every time she was about to have another seizure. I remember being afraid to be alone with her but not wanting to be anywhere else. I remember just walking through the halls of the hospital for days not even being able to think...just numb to it all. I have never been the same.

I told Adam that I get so mad at myself because I can't just pull it together. Why on earth do I still have a response like that 4 years later? I hate crying. I hate drawing attention to myself and I hate it when people ask me what is wrong. I hate feeling like I am not in control...especially of my emotions. I feel like people probably look at me and think "Geez, I mean, shouldn't you be fine by now. Henley is doing well, she hasn't had an episode in over a year. Trust me, I am thinking the same thing! I told Adam that I wonder if I will ever be okay or do you ever heal from such a thing? I don't know the answer. All I know for sure is that I must not be healed yet.