Blessings in the Journey

I have been wanting to write this blog post for a long time now. I have so many "God things" I feel like need to be reported, and I feel like I would be doing a disservice to God and to those of you who are reading if I didn't show the back story too.

First of all let me say this. I truly believe God will not give you anything that He knows you are not capable of handling. I know there have been several times in my life where I have asked God "Really? This too? Are you serious? I think this just might kill me!" I can think of several times in my life when I have been crying on the floor and unsure if I would ever be able to have the strength to stand again. I remember vividly, times when I thought I could not go on and wondering what the purpose was of what I was going through. I also remember thinking that there was no way God could make good out of (fill in the blank). However, the truth is God can. God can make good out of everything. God IS Good, and he can not help but make good. I know in my heart that all good things are from the Lord and the bad things in our lives are the things that satan tries to trip us up with. If we allow satan to get the best of us, he wins. If we continually seek the Lord in even the worst of situations and try to see beyond ourselves in the journey or the absolute chaos that the Lord will open our eyes to little pieces of his master plan for our lives. I feel like the times when horrible things have happened in my life, the times when I chose the attitude of "Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I can't believe God would allow me to go through this....I've been so good!" those are the times when the struggles seem to drag out for eternity. When I am constantly looking inward and wondering how this is going to affect MY life I seem to never be satisfied with the answer. Why? Because it's not perfect. Who wants to live a life where things suck all of the time?

However, when I am able to change my perspective, it instantly changes my attitude. Through this current journey with Henley's health issues I have often thought back to things in my life that have brought me to this point. Lessons that I have learned through terrible heart breaks that have in various ways prepared me for this specific journey. It's as if life is a series of building blocks. You are walking along, you trip over a brick that was put in your path, you pick it up, learn from it, and add it to the stack. At some point we are able to stand on top of the platform of bricks we have collected through the years and look back down at the path we have traveled and now with the "firm foundation" under our feet, and with the knowledge and experience we have gained along the way, we are able to get a glimpse of the person God was molding us to be through the journey.

I will not go into all of the other lessons that I have had to learn in my life to get me to where I am now, because you guys would be reading for YEARS! But I will start with this. For those of you who know Adam and I, you were around last August when our road had a huge stumbling block. Henley was born in November, and although she was an awesome baby and ate well and slept through the night at 6 weeks, she had "issues" from the very beginning. During the first two weeks of her life we were told that she might have a blood disorder based off of her PKU blood work they took when she was born. At 3 weeks we determined that she had serious reflux and was going to have to be on prevacid. Then at 5 weeks she spiked a high fever and had to go to the ER, have a spinal tap and various other test to make sure she didn't have meningitis. At 6 months during her well check they noticed that her head size had jumped from the 64% to the 98% and her body weight had gone from the 25% to the 3%. When looking at her growth chart, it was shocking and a red flag went up for our pediatrician. They decided they wanted to do an ultrasound on her head at that point to check to make sure she didn't have a build up of fluid around her brain. Thankfully, no fluid was found, but there was a small cyst on her brain and they wanted to do further investigation on that cyst. Up to this point with Henley we had gone through several things that had been preparing the road ahead. God was gently showing us that we were not in control of our situation. When we found out that Henley was most likely going to have to have an MRI on her brain, it was quite a rude awakening for me that something major might actually be wrong with my 6 month old baby. I struggled with this as any mother would. One night in particular I was up in her room rocking her to sleep and I was literally crying out to God because I was so scared and had no idea what was going to happen with her. I knew (from other bricks I had already tripped over in my life) that I had zero ultimate control over the life of my child, and the only one who was truly in control was God. I sat there crying while holding this tiny little 13 lb baby, and I told God that I knew that I was not in control and that He had given her to me as a gift. I thanked him for entrusting me with her life, but prayed that He please give me the strength to be the right mother for her. I told Him that I knew I was just her earthly mother, and that she was His before she was mine. I told Him that I knew that He already knew the road ahead and all about Henley's body. I basically relinquished control of Henley back to God which in a way put me more at peace. I knew from this point going forward that I had laid everything with her back in His capable hands and that it was no longer all up to me to be everything for Henley because God was already more than I could even dream of being for her. Looking back on this night was truly the turning point for me.

When Henley was 8 Months old we found out that we were going to be expecting another baby. We were excited, but shocked that we were going to now have two "babies" in the house along with our "Big Girl" (the three year old!). As overwhelming as this was to just think about only God knew how much more overwhelming things were about to become. When Henley was 9 months old and I was 11 weeks pregnant with Zane she had her MRI and we found out that Henley had the Chiari Malformation (Key-Ari).

Adam was scheduled to leave for China two days after we found out. The night before he left for China was my birthday and we decided to go out to dinner anyway. That night was so miserable. Worst 28th birthday ever. We went to dinner and tried to enjoy ourselves but nothing felt right. Everything was wrong. When we got home we were getting ready for bed and Adam and I just both started crying and just wept and wept. He didn't want to have to go, I didn't want him to leave. I was such an emotional basket case and was afraid to be myself in front of the girls. I spent a lot of time wondering what I might have done during my pregnancy with Henley to "cause" her to have such problems. I really took on her diagnosis for a time and felt responsible for what was happening to her. Although I knew that I did everything the same was I had done with Haven and she was fine. I still worried. Not only that, but I was pregnant again, what if this baby was messed up too?!?! Even though I felt like I had given it all up to God, for a time, I took it back and tried to own it. I just knew it was somehow my fault.

While Adam was gone to China for two weeks, God really came through. From the minute Adam left, I had a steady stream of some of my closest girl friends come in from all over the country to spend a couple nights with me and help me with the girls. One friend came from Austin, my sister in law into town, my best friend from New York, my friends from Dallas. They were there to help me take care of the girls and process everything that was going on in the down time. They all really helped fill in the parenting gaps while I was temporarily unavailable emotionally. God knew my heart and soul and provided exactly what I needed at this time.

While Adam was gone, I was able to schedule appointments for the pediatric neurosurgeon and while at one of my doctors appointments, my OB/GYN decided to help put my mind at ease that she would send me for a HD Sonogram of Zane just to make sure that his brain was developing without any problems so that I would not constantly be worrying about him. Another God thing in my opinion. God knew I needed peace of mind and so he arranged for me to get that. He is so good!

Throughout the next year God continued to put us in the path of the right friends, right doctors, right timing etc. to place us exactly where we needed to be for the next step in the journey. Beginning this past summer when Henley started having more issues I began to notice that in my conversations with doctors and strangers I would get the question "Has Henley had surgery to fix the Chiari yet?" I would always pause for a minute and say "No, we have been told she doesn't need surgery". After a few of these conversations I told Adam that I was starting to feel like God was preparing me for the news that Henley was going to need surgery. I told him that I was wondering if God was slowly desensitizing me to the very real possibility that surgery would be the road we would travel down.

August came and the MRI was on the horizon and we were ready to get some answers! But God said "Not yet". Henley got pneumonia IN AUGUST, IN TEXAS! Pneumonia was one of the only things that could have happened to keep Henley from getting that MRI at the time. So I knew with a diagnosis so random when it was 150 degrees outside, that God was trying to tell us something. He was saying "not yet, I still need to show you more". Through a God appointed conversation with my best girlfriend Lauren while she was here visiting, I felt that it would be a good idea to have Henley see a GI Specialist. Lauren left town and Zane got sick. I think it was God's way to get me in to see the pediatrician pronto....because I might have put off the conversation I had with the doctor that day until a later time. While we were there for Zane, we talked about Henley and I told her that I felt like we needed to see a GI Specialist. She agreed that it would not be a bad idea and so she sent us a referral to a doctor.

I called to set up the appointment with the GI and I was not able to get in to see the doctor we were referred to because of "scheduling conflicts".....or God had another plan in mind. I did not know this at the time of our appointment, but the GI we ended up seeing not only happened to be that same GI that one of our good friends highly recommended, but she graduated from ACU and is a Kojie!! I mean seriously? Come on now, what are the odds we would be blessed to have a doctor who not only is a believer and we have so many personal connections with?!?! At this appointment we were trying to schedule the MRI and all of the GI procedures and I am not even kidding when I say that it took 45 minutes in the schedulers office to get this MRI thing on the books. It was nuts trying to get all the doctors who needed to be a part of that procedure available all on the same day and time. While we were sitting there, the girl said "I can do October 19" to which we had to say no because Adam was scheduled to leave for China on the 18th. I know what you are thinking....Adam stop going to China!!!
Anyways, so the next available time was November 2nd. We agreed and set the date. I was frustrated because that meant we were going to have to wait another month for results. However, I told Adam and maybe even a few friends of mine that if God wanted us to do the procedures earlier, I was sure that He could arrange everyones schedules. HA!

Sure enough. Henley has her seizures on October 16, we get admitted to Cooks and what ends up happening? God re-arranged EVERYONES schedules and we were having her MRI and other procedures on October 19! God allowed Adam to be able to change his trip to china on a day's notice and my dad was able to go in his place....that is right. American Airlines transferred a non-transferable ticket people. God can do anything!! LOL. Adam said "Man, it makes me wonder what was so important that we HAD to the the procedures two weeks earlier than originally planned?" Maybe it was just a blessing from God for me to know two weeks earlier what we were dealing with? That is still waiting to be seen. However, I will say that God's timing is perfect.

We are still taking things day by day and everyday watching God reveal himself to us in sweet ways through this trial. We are finding peace in the prayers we are receiving from our friends, family and even total strangers! We have been continually blessed by people bringing meals and going out of their way to help in little and big ways with our children. I am learning such a beautiful lesson about servanthood right now and I am thankful for the journey. I am truly changed forever and will love and serve differently in the future. Be blessed.