Letting Go.

We were able to suit up and go into the O.R. with Henley. They gave her versed i.e. "Giggle juice" to help to make her relaxed before going back. Apparently that is not standard procedure around here, but we requested it because her emotional state is of HUGE importance to us. After all, we are the ones who will deal with the emotional aftermath in all of this and they will get to walk away. 

Going under anesthesia is terrifying for Henley. It is for most people to be honest. However, there is one memory that neither one of us can seem to shake and that is the memory she had when she came out of surgery the first time when she was two. Immediately upon waking Adam and I were right there with her. I leaned down to hug and kiss her and the first words out of her mouth were "I'm so sorry mommy." As if she had done something to deserve all of this. To deserve this pain. I have never been the same. 

We have spent years talking through this, trying to make it okay. It's not. I don't know that it ever can be okay. Those memories run deep and she remembers them even 5 years later. She remembers waking up crying and she remembers being sad. 

I can't even talk about it all without crying. 

Yes, I'm sure I need therapy....we probably all do. 

So, we were able to go into the O.R. and meet a few of the people who are with Henley this morning. We told them that there were thousands of people praying over them today. Henley was really silly thanks to the drugs. They began putting all of the monitors on her, stickers all over her chest etc. Henley started making comments about payback and putting stickers on all these guys when she was done! When it came to the mask and the anesthesia it was again....traumatic. You can see it in her eyes. You can see trauma happening. There are no words for this. I prayed over her and and begged the Lord one last time to stand in our place and keep her safe. We kissed her and were escorted out of the O.R. I lost it when I walked out of the room. The child life specialist was there with us and Dr. Greenfield followed us out of the O.R. He reassured us that she was going to be okay. 

There is nothing that makes this easier. Walking away and handing over the life of your child is excruciating. My only hope is knowing the I left the Lord in there with her and HE is watching over his baby.